In the quest to learn how to attract women, many men find themselves caught between two extremes: feeling anxious and avoiding interaction, or trying too hard and coming off as insincere or creepy. This guide will help you understand how to genuinely attract women without resorting to tactics that make you feel uncomfortable or seem like a typical „pickup artist.” Even if you’re an introvert and have never approached women before, you can connect with amazing women in an authentic, confident manner.
Understand the Common Struggle
I hear this all the time from men wanting to learn how to approach women. They say, „Connell, I want to know how to approach women. I want to attract women. But I feel anxious, and I don’t want to be that creepy 'pickup guy.'”
I completely get it. There’s a good chance that during your day or week, you see THAT AMAZING WOMAN you’d love to talk to. She might be standing next to you in Starbucks, doing yoga at your gym, or at the bar with her friends.
You really want to approach her and start a conversation, but it feels like there’s an invisible force field between you. She could be two feet away, but it feels like two miles.
Breaking the Ice and Overcoming Anxiety
If you do manage to break the ice and approach women, I bet you feel anxious, especially in those first few seconds. Your mind fills with thoughts like, „Is this going well? Does she like me? Will I get her number?” This mental chatter can paralyze you. On one hand, if you don’t approach women, you’re stuck endlessly swiping on Tinder or asking friends to set you up with girls you’re not really interested in. You kick yourself every time you see an amazing girl and do nothing, and your self-esteem takes a hit.
On the other hand, if you try to „pick up girls,” you feel all this anxiety, self-doubt, and the need to make it work. You might even come off as a bit creepy or awkward. But it doesn’t have to be this way. I have a solution for you—something I’ve taught hundreds of men over nine years of studying male-female attraction.
The Shift: From Taking to Giving
You can approach and attract amazing women by being your most authentic, confident self. And you can do this with little to no awkwardness and ZERO creepiness.
This technique is something women LOVE. They WANT you to do this.
This shift will make attracting women so much easier, and you’ll virtually eliminate anxiety. Here’s the change: If you want to attract women, STOP TRYING TO „PICK UP GIRLS.”
Asking Better Questions
When a guy tries to „pick up women,” his mindset automatically shifts into a TAKING mode. It becomes about him. He’s just another guy who WANTS something from a beautiful girl: her number, her approval, her body, her beauty.
This is understandable but detrimental to your results. Don’t ask, „How can I pick up girls?”
Here’s something I learned from training with Tony Robbins’ coaches: if you ask BETTER questions, you get better answers.
So instead of asking, „How do I pick up girls?” ask, „How can I make women smile?” or „How can I improve a woman’s day?”
Shifting Your Mindset
When you ask, „How can I make women smile?” you’re focusing on what you can GIVE rather than what you can GET. You’re thinking, „How can I offer something?”
When you say, „I want to pick up girls,” it’s all about what YOU get out of it. It’s about what YOU want.
Making it about you makes it HARDER to get what you want: a dating life filled with amazing women.
It’s MUCH more effective to focus on what you can offer her. Does that make sense? I see this ALL THE TIME with the clients I teach. When they come to me, they’re focused on THEIR needs and desires, which makes sense. We all want what we want.
But when I help them focus on what they can offer women—in other words, when they STOP trying to pick her up and start trying to make her day or night better—you know what happens? You become that rare guy who shares and offers without needing anything in return. And this leads to amazing benefits and results. The anxiety of approaching disappears. Women say, „Wow, you’re different. I’m so glad you approached me.”
Beautiful women grab your phone, enter their number, and say, „You BETTER text me and take me out.”
Genuine Connection Over „Pickup”
When you OFFER instead of TAKE, it’s no longer about „pickup.” It’s about sharing, connecting, and giving and receiving. Women want guys who give and share, not just take, take, take.
If you want to attract amazing women, be your authentic self. Make the shift. Don’t be a taking pickup artist. Be your best, most authentic self and give.
Practical Tips for Authentic Attraction
Give a Genuine Compliment: Notice something unique about the woman—her cool leather jacket, that awesome tattoo, the way she walks and carries herself. And tell her you appreciate it.
Make Her Smile: When talking to her at the bar and wondering, „Does she like me?” your NEW goal is to make her smile. Make her laugh. Brighten her day a little by sharing your authentic, masculine presence without needing ANYTHING in return.
Share and Connect: Go through life with this mindset and take the right actions, and women will find you very attractive. Because you’ll stand out. You’ll be different from all the other guys who either don’t talk to the women they see or, if they do, try to take, take, take.
So don’t take. Give. Don’t pick up girls. Connect with them.